I now announce picks for my cabinet:
Vice President: My wife. (She’s very diplomatic. Love you, honey!)
Secretary of State: Edward Abbey (posthumous award)
Secretary of the Treasury: Kenneth Lay
Department of Defense: Dr. Strangelove
Justice Secretary: Johnnie Cochran
Secretary of the Interior: Martha Stewart
Secretary of Agriculture: Monsanto*
Department of Commerce: Oliver Twist‘s Fagin
Department of Health and Human Services: Dr. Jack Kevorkian (as represented by one gallon of bleach)
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development: Caterpillar, Inc.*
Department of Transportation: ROADS!
Energy Secretary: Richard Simmons
Education Secretary: The Flat Earth Society (as represented by a plate of meatballs)
Department of Veterans Affairs: The Westboro Baptists**
Department of Homeland Security: Tom, the man I caught scrawling something about Jewish people on the bathroom stall door.
*Corporations are people, too.
**Alternate for health and human services.